I am as the spring

I am unknowable to myself.

I’m all a lie,
and yet I have substance.

I'm all fucked up inside,
and I still somehow get up and go.

I am both here & somewhere else.
I am dying and yet I'm alive.

I am as the sun soaked trees against the gray cloudy sky.
I am as the grass, cut down, only to release that sweet smell into the air.
I am as the sunshine on the water in even the deepest oceans.
I am as the horizon, stretching off into the unseen.

Unknowable to myself, unknowing of the world that churns.
I won't pretend I have answers.
All I've got is questions.

I don't know where I am.
I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know who I am.

I am a traveler in a foreign land without a map,
I am fractured between the infinite paths forward.

I am as the spring,
unspawling backwards, uncontrollably & blindly,
into the infinite dead space I was born in,
doomed to stumble blindly in the dark.

To wallow in the shadows, again & again.
And after all that,
to be reborn in the light of the sun.

Growing when I am warmest,
Cherishing my moments underneath the life-giver as blessings.

Thriving where I am safest,
and there's no safer place than a back lawn on a warm summer day.

And of course, lastly;
stumbling into the dark,
where I'll remain alone & confused,
till I inevitably fall back into the light.